Change?

Is this change? Is this the 'Change' that many people fear? I thought I had experienced it and laughed at comments about Change that it's the one thing that many people fear to encounter. Or is this buyer's remorse? It can't be. No, I'm not in denial because I knew it was one thing I've always wanted to get so bad that if I didn't, I would regret it for the rest of my life.

So, is this Change?

One thing I realised the moment I received the key to my newly purchased sports car was that the wheels were my responsibility. That's it. I've never been responsible for any big things in my life (except my education) and to have something else of a great cost hung under me.. it's something new. My peers coped with it way earlier not because they purchased sports cars one or two year earlier, but they were always responsible for themselves. Any action they did or anything they wanted to buy, they had to work for it.. and me? I was lazy and if I ever got into trouble, I used to run back to my family members for help. In my defense, I'm the youngest in the family so I'm naturally feeling obliged to be whiny and run away from problems that could be solved by my kins and parents.

But the best thing about this realisation is that I finally understood what I want in life. Now that I'm working with decent monthly salary, I found out I always keep looking back to my previous self, the laid back, relaxed and coffee enjoying lad with no big and ridiculous dreams. Sometimes certain things need to happen in order for us to see what we've overseen. Now I realised I've always sought for a great BUT simple life.

I'm glad this happened. I just drew a big smile in my face. I'm a happy lad. So, what's next?

Come quick, Mr. Finance!

I am pissed off. I need to rant. I just need it so bad.

I am pissed off because of some reasons, none of which (after listing down everything as profound as Shakespeare's writings as possible so that I won't blame myself for probably being lazy or making excuses) is my fault. NO! NONE! NIL! ZERO! KOSONG! NONE OF WHICH IS MY FAULT!

I am working as a teacher. A new teacher. So, essentially, every teacher has to, at certain point at the beginning of their career, buy a lot of things that the school cannot provide *cough* without having to whine and make excuses. You know, stuff like access to free photocopy services and stuff. Marker pens are free though. Thank God. *rollseyes*. Of course, they aren't afraid to give free stuffs if the price of the 'provisions' are close to nothing in the first place.

I love my students. I really like to teach them. I really want to make them the best. I really want to make them know that I would play a big part of their future and life. You know what, I don't even care if they forget me. But if I ever knooooow that even some of them succeed in life, that would make me the happiest guy on earth.

I have two good classes and two weak classes (one  is very very weak, so weak to the point that they don't even know what the word 'disappear' means - let's blame the pitiful and shameless primary school teachers who let this happen & they are also the reason why it takes our kids five to seven years LATE to get into the Reading Age phase than the rest of the world - what a blasphemy). I want to revamp the weak classes into something the other teachers and parents would not believe could happen. I want to transform the good classes into being the best of the bests. You know, stuff like "Wow, their English is very good for their level. I wonder who taught them." "Well, it's Sir Rahman."

NO!! THIS IS NOT ABOUT GETTING APPROVAL FROM ANY-FUCKING-ONE!! THIS IS A PERSONAL GOAL!! ALL THE WAY DEEP FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!!

But you wanna know what the problem is? I haven't got my FUCKING salary yet! I can't keep being cheap on resources! Yes there's a free-to-use printer in the staff room but I'm not one of those who would consider it a free photocopying machine! (HEY, MAYBE AFTER THIS I WOULD!) I have a total of more than 100 students. Three lessons a week for each class. You do the math.

Come on Mr. Finance. Please sneak yourself into my bank account. Don't postpone. The future of my little brothers and sisters is in my hands. I wished you were already prepared with this pay thing.

Define 'freedom'.

Liverpool is currently trailing behind 1-2 at the hard frozen Oldham ground. Damn it. As per usual when this kind of things happen I always chicken out at half-time so it would feel like a miracle would have happened if Liverpool managed to pull one back. TV's off. Fan's off. Lights' off. The walk of shame back to my bedroom didn't go absent of thoughts. The very TV area I walked on extracted one memory - one general memory that comprised the accumulation of similar memories and moments that I never regretted having, despite the thin wallet I had.

I was unemployed for more than one year. Being a university student for four years, not including the hectic journey of preschool to preuniversity studies, my brain had been adapted to thinking - a lot. The choices might not be revolutionary, they might not change the world but any thought would do to make me sane throughout what I call a phase of nothingness. My own thoughts = my familiar territory. Let's be realistic, I also needed the physical ambience to survive the world. One does not simply live through mental forces only.

This led us to the everyday moment of me waking up early in the morning for one year. Give me five to fifteen minutes to make my own philosophy in life, only then would I get off from bed, open the door to my bedroom and view a never-changing scene - my 3-year-old nephew and 2-year-old niece laying down on the floor or the sofa or the cushions deeply staring into their iPads. My nephew would call on me to help him play helicopter simulation games. I would have him wait for me as I had to empty my bladder first. I would get my coffee, breads and then spend time with these two bestfriends closest to me in any way I could. Approaching noon, they would go to sleep and the door to my bedroom would open like a  gesture that gave me a welcome. I would sit in front of my laptop and decide whether or not I should continue my writing. Any decision I came up with didn't affect my life entirely. I didn't give a shit. No one gave a shit. A year went by and the little nephew finally moved to a new place. The next morning was different. It was like having an item you loved so much and at the end of the day the boss came to your door and said, 'It's not yours. Give that to me and it'll stay in the museum. You can visit it any time you want, at certain times only.' I then continued spending my time with the little niece, a pretty little girl with a bad morning temper, though quite adorable for a 2-year-old. Her favourite housemaid finally went back to her home country and this left me with nothing in the morning because now the little niece had to spend time with her aunts somewhere else every morning because there was no one to babysit her at that short moment. Meanwhile, I finally got a job offer. Things changed at the right time, perfectly synchronized. Things suddenly changed for the better. Or is it?

Things have been going better - Yes. At last, I now can look forward for the end of the month and I can work peacefully without the distracting thoughts of questioning what the younglings were doing at home and how they would wonder where their favourite uncle is.

But you wanna know what's the best moment of my life? That every single night of one whole year when I knew I didn't have to think of anything. I was free from all responsibility. I checked my Facebook homepage and everyone at work was whining and bitching about their so-called pathetic life, having to wake up early and confront idiotic bosses from 8-5, every single day. I was glad I didn't have to be them. I was free. I was myself. I was in my own world. Living with my thoughts. I could spin-kick my neighbour's head and no one would care. No boss to worry about. I had no financial responsibility and obligation to buy new things. Wow. I miss that moment. Tell me, when was the last time you had even one minute thinking about nothing? seriously NOTHING. Tell you what, I was proud to experience it for one whole year. I stepped back from the race and watched my fellows go by. It's not a bad feeling at all.  Every night was freedom. Every next morning was freedom.

Advanced courtship.

"Auntie! Auntie! Auntie!" Why couldn't it be "Momma! Momma! Momma!"? The voice of my little niece early in the morning of my first ever school holiday (after three days of hectic working, though my use of the term 'hectic' may be exaggerated following my unemployment phase of more than one year). I have a nephew who had a similar case, he was similarly brought up practically from his birth by a domestic helper but as he grew taller through the years he never asked for his "auntie" for companionship and comfort, it was always "Momma!" and it was his auntie who had to struggle calming him down and putting him off to sleep, every-single-day. Here's the spin: these two younglings grew up in the same house so my eyes and ears (and my mental state) have borne witness to how two different lifestyles could be lived in one place. Make that three. I have my own too, unless my fortress a.k.a my room was considered a separate area.

Parenthood is crazy. The thought of having a family is, I admit, fun but just look at the amount of dedication it takes to keep everything in balance (including your sanity). I am now 24 years old and even only a couple of years ago when there was no children living in the house, I considered the notion of family planning ludicrous. Why would you want to plan on the number of members in your family if you decided to get married in the first place? Just hump your brains out and keep the bunnies popping out. No complaints, no set of limitations, nothing. Now I can see why. Now my sisters and brothers-in-law can see why. They never foresaw it despite our local culture saying that they were married a little late so they probably must have accumulated enough knowledge for advanced courtship. The assumption and anticipation couldn't be more wrong.

Now how should I value this holiday? Should I get back to bed though it's already 7 in the morning or should I stay awake and finish my work that was scheduled for Saturday (today is Thursday)? I will simply leave the decision to the strength of my eyelids.